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Another Sexy Highway

Miami-Dade Exxxpressway Authority

“Solutions aren't sexy — but highways are”

Official Soundtrack

“Another Sexy Highway” by Transport Moose

These traffic jams have got me down!
Its time we found another way around
But you know public transit is for communist losers
No they can’t see, the way of the future!
I said I want new roads, I want them fast!
They haven’t worked before, but that was the past!
Don’t need a bus or a bikeway -
All I need is another sexy highway!
Sexy highway!
I go ten million miles an hour on my sexy new highway
Sexy highway!
Paving over The Everglades with my sexy highway
Hey Miami! What do we want?!?
Fast food chains, oh yeah!
Lots of lanes, oh yeah!
Suburban sprawl, oh yeah!
Having a ball, oh yeah!
Don’t need a bus or a bikeway -
All I need is another sexy highway!
Sexy highway!
I go ten million miles an hour on my sexy new highway
Sexy highway!
Paving over The Everglades with my sexy new highway!
Over The Everglades on my sexy new highway!
Baby you and me on my sexy new highway!

Have we met?
Meet Kendall Parkway

Location
West Kendall, Miami, born and raised

Gender
Highway

Status
Single, looking for a lifetime extension of love

Length
15 long miles

Potential Corridors
Two

Likes
Pretending to solve traffic puzzles; Long drives in the Everglades; Mayor Carlos Gimenez

Looking for
Empty land west of the Urban Development Boundary; Approval of the County Commission

Got some traffic jam?
Spread it out on —
another sexy highway!

We know what you're thinking – will another sexy highway finally solve our traffic problems? Will we move faster, safer and happier? Will we spill more coladas in our cars? The answer is yes, yes and dalé!

Our sexy highways fixed everything already, why can't they do it again? After all, it isn't like our congestion has gotten worse, more people own cars, and other cities are tearing down their highways (not sexy).

Traffic will disappear!
Your pants won't know what happened.

How can this possibly be true? Well, although studies show that more highways create more congestion by encouraging more people to drive, surely that didn't happen after the last time we extended this very highway.

After all, we are a highway authority! It's our job to bring you another sexy highway, and we are bringing you the booty on this one*

*When it's done in 10-15 years, have your booty sit tight in the meantime.

There's no solution —
Except a sexy solution.

Our comprehensive evaluation process studied all options to relieve congestion. Through rigorous analysis and sexy highway presentations, we concluded that it is not necessary to consider other solutions.

While other cities invest in more transit, better transit, and free pre-school (yuck!), our toll money is designed to do one thing and one thing only – generate more toll money, for more sexy highways!

Trapping everyone in cars forever means more traffic, and more tolls — it's a win-win!

That's a pretty pile of cash —
Spend it accordingly.

We earmarked $772 million dollars solely for sexy spending: a bargain for saving ~ 15 minutes in commute time. Time is money - and in this case, at least $50 million a minute!

That means that even though excess toll money is supposed to go towards transit development, we'll ensure it will be paying off bonds for the sexy highway instead (shh!).

Anyway, don't worry - this project will completely pay for itself by the year [System error x259C: Cannot parse corrupt input]

What's wetter than the wetlands?
You guessed it.

When choosing a location for another sexy highway, we knew we had to put it next to something green to call it a "Parkway". So we smashed it right next to the Everglades.

We hear it is a source of drinking water for 8 million people, supports billions of dollars in economic activity, and keeps the city from sinking altogether.

But you my friend, your house might be underwater, but you will be high and dry on another sexy highway! Hit it Jimmy!

Spread the word

Learn More

Context

As population has grown, development has spread further west and south creating nearly unbearable congestion in car-dependent suburbs like West Kendall. Despite the county’s SMART Plan which would expand public transit solutions to places like West Kendall, the Miami-Dade Expressway Authority is pursuing an effort to extend State Road 836 further west and south. The new 15 mile section of highway includes an additional toll station and would extend well beyond the county’s Urban Development Boundary.


Our Position

We strongly oppose the 15 mile extension of the State Road 836 tollway “Kendall Parkway”.

Miami-Dade needs solutions to untenable congestion. More importantly, our residents need reliable, connected transportation options. We have expanded existing highways and built new ones for decades almost to the exclusion of any other transportation mode. This singular focus on cars has only resulted in more congestion and more time spent stuck in vehicles. If highways were the solution to transportation challenges, Miami-Dade would have zero problems.

The State Road 836 extension goes against every smart growth principle and all financial logic. The development of this highway extension does nothing more than connect a suburban, mostly commuter region to an already over-congested highway. Worse, nearly $800 million of potential SMART Plan investment will be consumed by a project offering little, short-term relief. If we dedicated these dollars immediately to the development of a public transit solution while staving off unsustainable growth, we would have a better connected county, happier residents, and a brighter future.

Take Action

Latest Update

The highway passed it's second commission vote, but still needs to clear regulatory hurdles to break ground. Stay tuned.


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Transit Alliance is a non-profit organization advocating for walkable streets, bikeable neighborhoods and better public transit. Our campaigns combine data-driven research, community engagement and policy advocacy to get Miami moving safer, faster and happier.

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